The perils of being thoughtless

No-one is literally ‘thoughtless’. We all have thoughts, though not always the right ones at the right time.

I was only 14 when guilty of a serious moment of thoughtlessness. I was just a spoonful or two into my morning porridge when struck by a sudden, dreadful realisation. It was February 18th – my mum’s birthday – and I had neither wished her Happy Birthday, nor given her a card or gift. In tears I apologised over and over again to mum, and she assured me it didn’t matter. I think she was more upset about me being upset than she cared that I had forgotten her birthday. Later that day I did buy her a card and chocolates. But a late gift hardly made up for my thoughtlessness.

Thoughtlessness can be divided into roughly two kinds. The first is culpable forgetfulness,  the kind that’s blameworthy because it needn’t happen and can cause hurt. Forgetting your mother’s birthday comes into that category. The second kind of thoughtlessness is a failure to think clearly. It happens when we don’t consider the effect our words or actions will have, or we fail to prepare properly for something important.

I’ll give four causes and effects of thoughtlessness, and then hints on how we might do better.

Thoughtlessness is connected with being in a hurry. When I wrote about forgetfulness in a previous blog post (https://occasionallywise.com/2022/01/22/have-you-forgotten-something/), I described rushing five miles to get home after a Sunday evening church service to watch the conclusion of The Masters golf tournament on TV. No sooner had I settled down to watch the golf than the phone rang. The caller was still at church. She asked if I’d forgotten anything. I didn’t think so. ‘What about your daughter?’ Aagh! In my haste to get home, I’d completely forgotten I’d taken Rachel to the service with me. Being a good friend, my caller brought Rachel home for me.

When we’re in too much of a hurry to achieve something, we blank out other priorities from our minds, often things that matter much more than our main goal.

Thoughtlessness happens when we give something scant attention, and thus let others down. Imagine this. You delegate sections of a major project to staff who are fully competent for the task. But they don’t rate the work much of a priority, so when it is time for their feedback it becomes clear they’ve done very little. Their work was an essential element of a much larger project, so their neglect, their thoughtlessness, lets you down.

My Aunt Milla was also let down. She had agreed, with four others, to perform a short play at a big conference. Hundreds watched as the five came on stage. The play began well, but then three of the cast forgot their lines – not just one line but almost every line from that point on. They had given nothing like enough time to learn their parts, and the performance became an embarrassment for all five. It was an example of neglectful thoughtlessness.

Thoughtlessness lies behind a failure to realise how our words or actions will hurt others. I was in my late teens and a fairly new member of a church in Edinburgh. I made friends, and I was encouraged to take part in any church event. So I went to the church members’ (business) meeting, stood up and criticised the ‘dreary anthems’ the choir sang. There was a dreadful silence after I’d spoken. After the meeting the minister had a word with me! Quite a few words, in fact. Even if not all anthems were uplifting, the organist and choir leader, Mr Burnett, put in many hours each week finding music, rehearsing the choir, and playing at services. My words will have hurt him, and I should apologise. The minister was right, but sadly I don’t remember making that apology. Mr Burnett, however, was a gracious man, always friendly to me, and he very kindly agreed to play the organ when Alison and I got married several years later.

Words said can never be unsaid, as many thoughtless people have discovered to their cost. 

Thoughtlessness leads to mistaken assumptions and decisions. One of the worst examples of wrong assumptions relates to the World War II D-Day landings in France in early June 1944. The Nazis believed the landings would happen in the Pas-de-Calais region. That area of the French coastline is visible from the south of England, only about 21 miles across the English Channel. So that’s where Adolf Hitler put the bulk of his Panzer (tank) divisions. In contrast, Normandy, where the landings actually happened, was lightly defended, mainly by conscripts from Russia, Turkestan, and Mongolia who were badly equipped and not battle hardened. Finally, the poor weather of early June meant no-one expected landings anywhere soon, and Field Marshal Erwin Rommel, responsible for the Normandy section of the German coastal defences (Hitler’s Atlantic Wall), had taken leave. He was in southern Germany to celebrate his wife’s 50th birthday. Though many died or were wounded, the landings of Allied forces in Normandy were a success, the beginning of the end for Nazi occupation of western Europe. Without the mistaken assumptions – thoughtlessness – about where and when the landings would happen, history might tell a different story.

When we fail to think clearly, we act on assumptions that may be wildly inaccurate, and little good comes from that.

So, what can we do to erase thoughtlessness? Since ‘thoughtlessness’, by definition, is lacking thought, we can’t just tell ourselves to start being thoughtful because that would require a level of thought we simply aren’t exercising.

But there are background factors which help us stay in a thoughtful mode. Here are some.

Think before we speak or act

Spontaneity can be a good thing. But acting on impulse is usually a risky or bad thing. Too often we speak or act without considering the consequences, whether for ourselves or others.

When other kids had a rope swing across a river, my thought was ‘I can do that too’. But I had neither studied the technique nor considered the risks. The result? I not only failed to reach the other bank, I failed to swing back to my take-off point, and was left holding on to a near-motionless rope exactly half way across the river. I couldn’t do that for long, so I had no option but to drop. Thankfully, I managed to land on my feet, but in water up to my waist. I waded to dry ground, and walked home soaking wet. That river bath didn’t need to happen. If only I’d taken a moment to think through what I planned to do.

Nor did my unkind words about the choir’s anthems need to be said. Nor was forgetting my mum’s birthday inevitable.

If I had just taken time

  • to check what date it was
  • to consider what effect my comments about the choir would have
  • to think through what was needed to succeed before grabbing that rope swing

I would have acted differently.

Engaging our brains before we speak or act is an essential key to thoughtfulness.

Be better organised

I have no excuses now for missing any of my family’s birthdays. Alison has all their dates entered into our electronic calendar, with alerts several days in advance. That level of organisation is all it takes to prevent us forgetting an upcoming birthday.

Similarly, putting things away in their right place means I’m not stranded at the last minute without finding keys, or the right clothes to wear, or the report for the meeting I’m about to attend, or the new golf ball I mean to use, and so on. This is not rocket science.

Organisation takes time and effort, but often it saves time and effort. I’m not scurrying around searching for my car key. Or wondering where I put my favourite sweater. Or desperately scanning through a document I should have read days ago. Nor am I guiltily sending a ‘Sorry it’s late’ card the week after someone’s birthday. There’s no need to become obsessive. Just reasonable organisation promotes thoughtfulness, diminishes mistakes and enhances relationships.


Get enough sleep

I am no sleep expert, but, unfortunately, I know what it’s like to study all night and then find my brain befuddled during an exam next day. Or to find it hard to concentrate during a meeting when you just want to lean back and snooze. Or how difficult it is to organise my plans, my words, my work when I’m super-tired.

When we’re overtired our thinking slows, our words are not well chosen, and we’re unproductive with our activities. We’re thought-less, almost literally, unable to concentrate and organise our ideas.

Some people have medical conditions which rob them of sleep. But, for others, the art of getting enough sleep is the art of getting out of a comfortable chair, switching off the TV and the lights, and then putting our heads on our pillows. Our brain will thank us. And so will other people when we show much more thoughtfulness the next day.

Stop being self-centred

The root of thoughtlessness towards others may lie in being overly thoughtful about ourselves. Josh’s world was almost entirely centred on Josh. His work day had to be exactly as he planned. Anyone who wanted to meet with him, or even call him, had to fit with what Josh was doing. If Josh was meeting someone for a business meal, it would be at the time and restaurant Josh chose. Josh thought he had friends, but he treated them as servants who supported his life agenda. Josh had no time for neighbours, or voluntary work, and no money for charities serving the needy, because Josh saw himself as needy of all his time and all his income.

Of course, it’s right to care for ourselves. We have legitimate needs. But they’re not always as urgent or important as we think. And, more often than we may like, our highest priority is helping someone else. But we won’t ever recognise that as true, if ‘me’ is at the centre of our world.

Act quickly when we can

I am a long time sinner at letting emails that deserve a reply sink down my inbox, and once out of sight they’re also out of mind. My skills of apologising have been honed over many years, usually beginning with “I’m so sorry I didn’t reply to you until now…”.

But many texts or emails can be dealt with almost immediately. A ‘yes I can come’ or ‘sorry I can’t make that date’ kind of message may be all that’s needed. Likewise, making a phone call can be a one or two minute event; there’s no need for it to become a lengthy conversation. There’s an art to finishing a call (graciously) when the business that matters is done.

Many other things come into the ‘act now and it’s done’ category. Instead of taking off a sweater and leaving it on a chair, it takes me less than 30 seconds to fold and place it on its shelf. It doesn’t take much longer to tidy away papers on my desk. Just a few seconds stops disorganisation and untidiness ever developing. And the person who gets a quick email or phone response thinks I’m wonderfully thoughtful.

Don’t give yourself time to forget or lose something.


Finally, just ask one question One of the best guards against thoughtlessness is to pause and ask, ‘What would being thoughtful be like in this situation?’ Recognising what being thoughtful would mean holds you back from thoughtless words or actions. It takes very little time to define what being thoughtful would be like. Take that time, and you’ll be at least half way to thoughtfulness in what you say and do.

It’s complicated!

Deep brown eyes gaze at me, pleading that I’ll be quick. But I can’t go faster. The straps I’m winding round her are difficult.

This should be easy. Loop one strap around her front paw, reach beneath her neck for another strap, pull it round and fasten both straps with buckles to the main harness. Then Ciara will be ready for her walk. But our dog is not ready. The theory is easy, but fastening that harness is annoyingly complicated. I almost tip Ciara over getting that first loop round her paw. I fix that, then probe through the jungle of hair under her body for the long strap. I find it, pull it up and secure it. Done! Relief. Until I realise I’ve joined the neck straps to the body straps. That’s hopeless, far too tight. I got it wrong. Again. Because it’s complicated.

Many things in life are complicated. Some are trivial; some are serious.

For example, in my late teens I dated a great aunt. I really did. And I knew a young student whose father was older than her grandfather. Complicated? It was. But their situations are at the humorous end of the scale. Not at all humorous was the tragedy of the mum aged just 32 who died of cancer, leaving her 28-year-old husband to care for children both aged less than two years. His distress was immense. So was his fear about a wretchedly lonely and complicated future for him and his children.

Most of life is a mix of good and bad. Some things go well, others don’t. And the latter is often riddled with complications. I’ll describe three complicated areas, adding some ‘truths’ in hope they may be learning points.

Health

While Alison and I lived in the US, we tried attending a small home-based Bible study group. We were made welcome by about ten others. The Bible study went well enough. Then the leader said we’d pray for the needs of those present. Everyone should share their struggles. Ten of the twelve in the room talked about their hip or knee replacement surgery. Some were waiting for the operation; others were recovering from the operation. Alison and I were the only two never to have had or need hip or knee surgery. Clearly that wasn’t the group for us.

Bonnie, a work colleague, mentioned she’d recently been operated on for skin cancer. Several small incisions were done to remove damaged, cancerous skin. She seemed relaxed about the procedure. No wonder. It turned out that was the third time Bonnie had been treated for skin cancer. Soon she was planning to retire to one of America’s sun states. Would she be more careful? “Probably not,” she said. “I just love lying in the sun.”

There were lifestyle issues of weight and habits for all the people I’ve just mentioned. I won’t spell them out because ‘shaming’ people is hurtful and unproductive. However, I can list two truths.

First, almost everyone has health issues. My wife, Alison, studied health science at university. In a sociology of medicine class, she recalls the lecturer saying that most people think their health is poor while everyone else has good health. But, he said, most people don’t have good health. That’s the norm. And, since people now live longer, their older years will have an even more complicated health story. But they won’t be unique; almost everyone else will have illnesses too.

Second, it’s hard to maintain good health throughout our lives, but we’d probably be healthier when we’re old if we had looked after our minds and bodies when we were young. Philosophers describe that as our ‘moral responsibility to our future selves’. If we’d made different choices decades earlier, we’d be fitter and stronger in our older years. That’s not complicated to believe. It’s just hard for our younger selves to do.

Money

Imagine you open a bedroom drawer, and, hidden under clothes, you see a bundle of papers. You pull them out. They’re bills, and almost all are printed in red because these are final demand notices. Failure to pay will result in court action. That happened to Tammy. Husband Mike had been buying luxury goods, each time taking out credit but not keeping up with payments. “He handles all our finances. I had no idea we had any debt”, Tammy told me. That was a financial problem, but also a problem for their marriage. Complicated.

Others have faced equal or worse financial strain. Sol and Martha had bought and bought, and when a bank or company refused more credit they found alternative lending sources. Inside three years they racked up more than 20 separate debts. Now each bank, credit card company, and short term loan service was demanding payment. Some were far from polite. Debt collectors called Sol and Martha day and night. Representatives banged on their front door late in the evening, frightening their children. Bernie and Clara’s situation was similar, but matters had escalated. Now, not only did they have final demand letters, but legal notices appeared in local press announcing that their household goods would be sold to clear their debts unless payment was made within two weeks.

One of the members of the Bible study group I mentioned earlier didn’t just have hip troubles, he’d been so seriously in debt he’d gone bankrupt. But, he told the group, he was getting back on his feet with a new venture. As we left the meeting, he slipped his business card into my hand, saying he’d be happy to help me. I glanced at it. He was now a ‘Financial Advisor’. He was recovering from bankruptcy by becoming a financial advisor. If ‘complicated’ is not the right word for that, perhaps weird or even outrageous is. He did not become my advisor.

Kathleen was one of few who dealt with her spending. Her problem had been the ease of buying with her credit card. She had a generous credit limit, so she’d bought and bought and bought. She’d hand over her card, and give little or no thought to paying for her purchases later. When her credit card statement came, the amount she owed shocked Kathleen. Thankfully, instead of pretending there wasn’t a problem, she cut her credit card in two, refused all future cards, and paid off her debt month by month until she owed nothing.

Another two truths.

First, managing money is complicated, at least in part because credit is so easily available. It hasn’t always been like that. Most people in past generations lived in a largely cash society, and, though borrowing was possible, normally the weekly budget couldn’t stretch beyond the weekly income. That’s not how it is now. So we need to be careful.

Second, when finances are getting out of control, we need Kathleen’s ruthlessness. We cannot only be in love with the idea of being debt-free. We must be willing to sacrifice our desires in order to get there. Otherwise, only disaster lies ahead.

Parenting

Not many things in life are more complicated and more demanding than parenting. In the early years, you’re constantly exhausted as you struggle to get the baby to feed, to sleep, to stop crying, and all the time you wonder if what you’re doing is the right thing. So many uncertainties. So many worries. We’d heard stories of new parents who nudged their sleeping baby just to be sure the baby was alive. It seemed ridiculous. But we did it too (though only with our first). Parenthood was so complicated and concerning.

Looking back, we wonder how we survived some challenges. When our first two were four and nearly two years of age, they developed whooping cough. They had been vaccinated, but many others hadn’t so even vaccinated kids became infected. We hadn’t realised how serious whooping cough could be for babies and young children. We soon learned. Every time the whooping began we had to pick up the child, make sure they weren’t choking on their own sickness, and help them find another breath after every major whoop. To add to our own difficulty, Alison was more than eight months pregnant.

Late at night we’d go to bed. No sooner asleep, we’d waken because one of the children had begun whooping. I’d run first, Alison followed. After we’d tended to their needs, we’d get back to bed, but before long the whooping would begin with our other child. We got no consistent sleep. The children’s condition worsened, and one night we were wakened 17 times. Next morning our doctor decided enough was enough. This was dangerous for Alison and the baby she was carrying. He made phone calls, and told us to take the children that day to a hospital in the city where a special ward had been opened because of the whooping cough epidemic.

We walked into the ward, holding our children’s hands. We stopped, stunned by what we saw. The ward was large and old-fashioned with baby cots and small beds lining each wall. We saw nurses hurrying to toddlers who were whooping and running to pick up the babies. Someone told us later that not every baby survives whooping cough. We couldn’t turn around and go home. That would solve nothing, and physically we were spent. We had to leave our children there. It was heart-rending. We walked away with tears in our eyes.

Next morning Alison went into labour. That was a week before her due date, but babies don’t have calendars. Happily, a few hours later our third child, a little girl, was born in the local maternity hospital. We were thrilled, but her arrival meant the children already in the city hospital couldn’t come home. There had to be no danger of infecting our new-born before it would be safe to release them. So I drove 15 miles each day to the whooping cough ward to be with the children, while Alison stayed longer than usual in the maternity hospital because no-one was at home to give her support.

Nothing had changed by Christmas Day. Alison and I had agreed I should prioritise time with the children who were still very ill with whooping cough. So I headed into the city with bags of presents. Back in the maternity ward Alison sat on her bed with only our new daughter for company. Other mums and babies had family and friends celebrating Christmas with them. No-one visited Alison. People looked at her pityingly, wondering if she was single and abandoned with a baby. At 8.00 that evening the ward was quiet when, at last, I was able to get to the maternity hospital and spend time with Alison and our daughter. We were thankful for the care our older children were getting, and thrilled our new baby had been born safely. But it was a wretchedly difficult Christmas. Alison and baby came home soon after, but not yet the older children. They were five weeks in the whooping cough ward before doctors decided there was no danger from them to our new-born.

Even now, we wonder how we got through that time. Nothing – absolutely nothing – had prepared us mentally or physically for that experience. Parenting is no simple matter.

What was also complicated and stressful in the early years was the barrage of advice directed at us. People love to give their advice on parenting, but they never all give the same advice. Managing conflicting opinions, especially from parents and parents-in-law, can divide couples.

Anyone who’d raised children had strong opinions about feed times – some advised ‘make the baby wait until the next scheduled feed’ while others were ‘feed on demand’ advocates. Ideas were divided too on cloth nappies (diapers) versus disposables, how babies should be laid down for sleep, whether or not to wrap them up tight, how they should be carried, or dressed, or encouraged to stand instead of crawl. Some insisted babies should be weaned off breast feeding by six months; others told us to continue (with other foods too) until the baby was no longer interested. An aunt told Alison she shouldn’t talk too much to our baby son as it would be bad for him later (nonsense). During their earliest years, we chose not to give the children chocolate or sweets (candy). Family members didn’t like that, and told us our children were deprived. The issue of potty training saw the fiercest conflict. ‘Dangle the baby over the potty right from the beginning’ was one view; ‘no need to bother until the youngster can ask for the potty’ was the other. Neither side in that debate would compromise. It was their way or the wrong way.

With child number one, all that unsought advice unsettled us. We wanted to do things the right way, and conflicting advice bred uncertainty. Just having a baby was wearying, but we were being wearied even more trying to please others. After several months Alison and I had had enough. It was obvious there was not one ‘right way’ about most things. You could perfectly well look after babies using several methods. So, that day, we made a firm decision. We would not be driven by the opinions of others. Our children were our responsibility and, while of course we’d heed wise advice, we would do what we truly believed was best. We couldn’t be buffeted from side to side because someone thought their way was better.

The task of parenthood never ends. It just changes as the years go on. Alison and I don’t envy the modern issues of children and video games, social media, mobile phones. Today’s parents are ‘blessed’ with plenty of conflicting advice on all these complicated concerns.

Three truths.

First, after years of counselling people whose lives were still being negatively affected by their upbringing, I was left with the overwhelming certainty that the absolute priority for parents is to love their children unconditionally. To really love is, of course, to provide all the children really need, and also not to provide what is truly harmful for them. For us, that meant giving them a healthy diet, lots of exercise, and encouraging their interests without trying to direct their lives. And, above all, to tell them often they were loved entirely and always.

Second, be assured that children who are loved survive their parents very well. The complications of raising children breed fear of getting something wrong. But most of what worries us won’t ultimately matter. I’ve seen parents who didn’t dress their children too well, let them go places others wouldn’t, and weren’t great at keeping the home tidy. But the kids knew they were wanted and valued, and their parents’ strong love turned them into happy and mature adults.

Third, parenting may be complicated, but having children is a wonderful privilege, and a great blessing – including when they’ve grown up.

As I close, you’ll be relieved to know the great aunt I dated was not my great aunt. But Jenny really had been a great aunt from the age of nine. How could that be? Here’s how. Jenny was adopted by parents aged in their sixties (not possible now). They already had children in their forties (her sisters/brothers), who had children in their twenties (her nieces/nephews), who had children when Jenny was nine years old, making her a great aunt.

What about the student whose father was older than her grandfather? That makes sense when you know her father was older than her maternal grandfather. The student’s mother had married someone about 25 years her senior, a delightful man but older than her father. Hence their children, including the student, had a father older than their grandfather on their mother’s side.

Life is complicated? Yes, it’s complicated.

Why we can’t bargain with God

Bill stunned me with his story. He told it at an informal church service when people were describing how their relationship with God began. Bill’s account was unlike anyone else’s. It dated from World War II. One evening he was huddled in a trench, knowing that at dawn his unit would go over the top and rush the enemy. Sleep was impossible. In a few hours Bill would be running into a hail of bullets. Most likely he would die, and he was not ready for that.

Bill didn’t know how to pray, but that night he made this promise to God: “If you keep me safe through tomorrow’s battle, my life will always be yours”. Next morning Bill charged forward. Bullets hissed through the air. Comrades to his right and left fell, some screaming in agony, others deadly silent. But Bill was never hit and his unit accomplished their mission. “I survived,” Bill said, “and I never forgot the bargain I made with God. I’ve tried to please God with my life all the years since.

Bill’s pre-battle prayer in the trenches is not unusual. “There are no atheists in the trenches” is a common saying. But others also make promises to God when facing terrible circumstances. They might be people about to undergo high-risk surgery, or lost on a mountain, or in a boat sinking at sea, or seeing a tornado approach. “Spare me” is the prayer of anyone fearful of dying, reaching out to the God in whom they have hardly believed before. Why do that? Perhaps because, deep down, they think of God as the ultimate power. We cannot control where the bullets fly, or the storm strikes, or how rescue might come, but God can. Hence the instinct to promise God future faithfulness in return for a miracle now.

I have nothing but heart-felt sorrow for people facing extreme danger, and fully understand why, even at the eleventh hour, they appeal to God for help. After all, one of the two thieves being crucified alongside Jesus asked Jesus for mercy when he came into his kingdom. In return Jesus promised that the thief would be with him that very day in paradise (Luke 23: 42-43). At any moment, even a last moment, it is good to reach out to God.

But that is not the same as trying to strike a bargain with God. I don’t dispute the real change that occurred in Bill. He was my mum’s cousin, so we knew how he’d lived his life. But it seems to me inappropriate to attempt to strike a bargain with God. Here’s why.

God is not someone with whom we can bargain

Mutually beneficial deals are done all the time in business and personal life. They fit under the Latin term quid pro quo which means ‘something for something’. ‘I’ll do this if you’ll do that’. ‘I’ll do the cooking if you do the washing up’. Two people, with equal standing, make an offer from which each benefit.

But we can’t bargain like that with God. We are not God’s equals. Yes, there are characteristics of God to be found in human beings. The Bible’s creation story says: “God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them” (Genesis 1:27). Theologians have always debated the meaning of humans being in the image of God – the imago dei – but being made in God’s image does not put humankind on the same level as God. He is the Lord, not us. We are not equals.

God is not someone with whom we can bargain because he is so much greater than us

Many Bible verses make that clear. Here are some of them.

God created us, and all the world: “The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth” (Isaiah 40:28).

Our human minds cannot comprehend everything about God: “Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom” (Psalm 145:3).

Given our failings and limitations, it is remarkable (but true) that God cares for us: “When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them” (Psalm 8:3-4).

God existed and was at work before (what we call) time began “…the hope of eternal life, which God, who does not lie, promised before the beginning of time” (Titus 1:2).

Many more parts of the Bible stress the ‘otherness’ of God, that God is not simply a greater and higher version of us, but a being utterly beyond comparison with frail humans.

As many do, we taught our children that God was their ‘best friend’, someone who’d always be with them and care for them. That’s fine. God as your best friend involves language and concepts that children can understand. But, as we mature, while still being confident of God’s presence and love, we need to understand that God is much more than our best pal. He is utterly bigger and superior than we are. The fact that he loves us must never mask that truth.

A God so great cannot be brought to a bargaining table.

God is not someone with whom we can bargain because God cannot be made to do anything

God is all-mighty, and therefore nothing is impossible for him. So, God could make every bullet fired by the enemy swerve and miss Bill. God could give Bill immunity from harm on the battlefield.

But just because God can do anything, we must never think he can be made to do anything. With human relationships, we can beg, bribe or bully someone into giving us what we want. By various means, we can impose our will on another person.

We can’t do that with God. We can no more make God obey us than King Canute could forbid the tide to come ashore.[1]

But surely God would want to grant a good request? Why would he deny an honest prayer for evil to be avoided and good to result?

At this point we wade into deep theological waters. Countless lengthy books have been written about what God will or will not do. All I can offer are brief personal responses why God may not grant to us what we believe to be good.

Who judges what is good? It’s a humbling and sobering truth that we’re not always right in our opinions. If that’s true at a human level, how much more true it must be when we compare our judgments with God’s judgments. God is not only omnipotent (all powerful), he is omniscient (all knowing), with wisdom far superior to ours. Isaiah wrote: “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’” (Isaiah 55:8-9).

My mother died unexpectedly, aged 55. I remember little that was said by the minister who visited us the next day, except this: “God makes no mistakes”. His words were trite, but they were not wrong.

Why would God be good to us and not to others? Why should Bill avoid injury or death in the battle while others fall around him? Are we asking God to favour us over everyone else? That’s not a valid plea we can make to the God who loves all people equally. “For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes” (Deuteronomy 10:17). Note the words I’ve put in italics. God is not biased in favour of some people and against others. God can’t be bought with promises of what we’ll give him or do for him.

What are we really asking for? Bill was asking that God prevent his enemy from harming him. So, God should prevent a German soldier from sighting his rifle on Bill and pulling the trigger? Let’s narrow the case down more. What if Bill had reached the enemy trench, and there he stands aiming his rifle at his German foe who is simultaneously aiming his rifle at Bill. Is God to allow Bill to fire while stopping his enemy squeezing his trigger?

I’ve spoken often with people who say they’d want God to prevent all harm from occurring. What would the world be like then? Someone thinking of stealing my phone would find he couldn’t lift it. Someone angry, wanting to punch me on the nose, couldn’t move his arm. Or, on an icy night, I find I can’t drive my car faster than 20 mph.

What kind of world would it be if God simply stopped all evil from happening? It seems to me that instead of being a world in which people were free to make choices, good or bad, it would be a machine-like world inhabited by robots able to act only as they had been programmed. God did not make us to be machines. He made us humans, and thus allowed joy and sorrow, happiness and pain to be part of his world. That certainly hurts, but it’s a far better world than one in which we had no freedom to act.

There will be a day when the evils of this world will end, but that day is not yet.

God is not someone with whom we can bargain because promises made in a crisis are often forgotten once the crisis is past

I’ve often heard it said that addicts don’t change until they reach rock-bottom. They won’t alter their behaviour until they feel the pain and recognise the hopelessness of their lifestyle. Thankfully, when that happens, some do change. But here’s another truth. As soon as their lives are no longer in crisis they’ll experience a strong pull back to their old ways, and, sadly, many fall again. (That’s why addicts usually need constant support, help, and encouragement to live a new life, often through support groups to whom they make themselves accountable.)

A large crisis provokes a big response. When the large crisis is gone, often the response is gone too. I wonder how many made promises to God before battles and, having survived, kept their promises for the rest of their lives? I cannot know the answer, but I fear many did not.

God is not someone with whom we need bargain because God can be trusted

On the day I surrendered control of my life to God, I never imagined my future life would be endless bliss, untroubled by pain, difficulties or regrets. My life was going to be God’s, whatever happened from that moment on.

I have never been disappointed. I’ve known stress and relaxation, joys and sorrows, success and failure, good health and bad health, and so on. But I never felt I needed any ‘bargain’ with God because I was confident of two truths.

Truth One  God is a good God no matter what. The prophet Habakkuk knew that:

“Though the fig-tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the sheepfold
    and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Saviour” (Habakkuk 3:17-18).

Habakkuk’s list were of life essentials in his day. If any of them failed, he and his family would struggle. Yet, even if they all failed, Habakkuk knew God would still be God and his Saviour. Knowing God and trusting God like that changes how we face any hardship.

Truth two  God can be trusted with our lives. In Jeremiah’s time, his nation was in trouble and his own life threatened, but Jeremiah felt safe because God’s work in his life would always be positive. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29:11). Whatever lay ahead, God would always be with him and for him.

I don’t pretend to know why, in a battle, one person lives and another dies. Nor do I think it wrong, when facing any danger, to pray for God’s help, My only concern is when someone suggests they’ll do something for God provided he does something for them. The right thing to do is surrender everything about our lives to God, and let him work out exactly what that’ll mean for our future.

[1] The King Canute story is from Henry of Huntingdon in the 12th century. Canute positioned his throne at the shore line and forbade the tide to come any nearer, which, of course, failed. It’s often supposed Canute was trying to demonstrate his power over the elements, but actually the opposite was true. He was proving to the members of his court that not even a King had power over what God alone had control, in this case, the tide.

When others are better than you

I heard this recently. An ostrich rolls one of its eggs into the hen house. She tells the hens, “Take a good look. Compare my egg with your eggs, and realise this is what your competitors are doing”. I guess the hens weren’t excited. All of us can feel like that when others are doing better than we are.

I had so much to feel good about as a church minister. The churches I pastored grew, not just numerically but in their commitment to the faith. But – here’s my confession – I was so thrilled with our church, I struggled to be pleased if nearby churches grew faster. Usually I told myself ‘We’re all on the same side’, and ‘It’s great God’s work is prospering anywhere’. But too often I didn’t feel thrilled about the success of others.

Most of us feel that sometimes. Their house is immaculate compared to mine. Their car is shinier, faster, more luxurious than mine. They are ahead of me in moving up the career ladder. They are a better writer than I am. Their singing is enchanting while mine is doleful. Their children are reading more advanced books than mine. Their dogs are more obedient than my wanderers. And so on. It’s often true that others are doing better than we are, and, if we’re honest, we’re not glad about that.

That’s a common reaction, but not an inevitable one. In fact we can turn it to our advantage.  Here’s how.

Recognise envy for the unhelpful emotion it is

The dictionary definition of ‘envy’ reads: a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck. Wikipedia quotes an ancient and a more modern view about envy: Aristotle defined envy as pain at the sight of another’s good fortune, stirred by “those who have what we ought to have”. Bertrand Russell said that envy was one of the most potent causes of unhappiness.[1]

None of these comments state anything good or satisfying about envy. The truth is that envy makes us miserable.

Why is that true?

First, if you have to be the best of the best, and you’re not, then you can’t be content. You will always be disappointed that you don’t have more or that you are not doing better. Being the best, having the most, is a cruel goal, because you will never satisfy that longing. No matter how well you’ve done, if anyone has exceeded that, you cannot be at peace. You’re restless, never satisfied with what you have achieved. That is a miserable way to live.

Second, you start looking at friends in one of two ways. Either you see them as inferior to you, because you’re doing better than they are. Or you resent the ways in which their achievements are superior to yours. At some point those attitudes turn your friends into enemies. That ruins friendships. Always wanting to be the best results in a lonely existence.

Third, our attitude, perhaps our ego, is fundamentally flawed when we think the purpose of our lives is to be the best or have the best. When we think like that, we’re guilty of extreme arrogance. We demean others, and our ambitions overstretch our minds, our bodies, our finances and our relationships. With no likelihood we’ll be the best of the best, it’s also an approach to life which is doomed to disappointment. A false goal never brings happiness.

Recognise there will always be someone better than you

Some people so appreciate any pleasant or positive remark that it elevates how they view themselves. Jill loves it when someone says, “Wow, that painting is amazing. It’s world-class.” Bill has a warm glow when he’s told, “Your report on the meeting was the best I’ve ever read.” Such words may be sincere, or maybe just flattery. Whichever they are, Jill and Bill take the compliments as if literally true. They’re truly the best. How they see themselves changes, and they’re always on the lookout for further evidence to reinforce their own superiority.

That’s a fool’s errand. It’s near certain neither Jill or Bill are actually better than everyone else. One day they’ll find their work or their skill beaten comprehensively by an even better artist or report writer. And they’ll feel crushed.

But what about those who have truly become number one in the world, perhaps in sport? Didn’t Tiger Woods top the world golf rankings for 281 consecutive weeks and 683 weeks in total? Yes, he did. But he’s not number one now. Michael Schumacher seemed to set an unbeatable total of Formula 1 wins until Lewis Hamilton won more, and possibly Hamilton will be beaten some day by Max Verstappen.[2] What’s true in sport is true throughout life, that very few really are the best, and even those who earn that accolade don’t keep it forever.

It’s wise to be humble. Be grateful when you’re good at something, but recognise others are very good too, perhaps better, and be at peace about that.

Even when others are better than you at something, they’re not better than you at everything

Our friend Sally was cheerful, positive and gifted. Only one thing got her down – her home was never tidy. There were dishes not yet washed, magazines and books not yet put away, clothes not yet ironed or folded, and toys not yet cleared from when the children played with them two days ago. Sally knew how her home looked to others, and she felt bad about that. But why was it like that? Only because Sally always prioritised her children, her neighbours, and her friends. “What matters most to me is having time for my kids while they’re young,” she’d say. And she dedicated herself to stimulating her children’s imaginations with reading and games, encouraging them with their schoolwork, involving them in sport and other activities. She was a brilliant mum, a brilliant friend, and a brilliant help to anyone in time of need.

So, Sally didn’t manage to present her home as if ready to be photographed for a ‘Beautiful Homes’ magazine. And she felt a bit of a failure when she visited houses where everything was exactly in its place. But Sally excelled at caring for family and neighbours. Maybe she’d never win awards for keeping everything neat, but she deserved to be in first place as a mum and friend. And that mattered far more.

Don’t notice only the areas where others are better than you; recognise where you’re so much better than them.

Maximise being the best at things at which you’re specially gifted and which matter most

I know that heading sounds, in part, like a repeat of the one just before, but my emphasis now is about being better in areas where your passion and your skills lie.

The famous preacher in London of the late Victorian era, C.H. Spurgeon, founded a college to train future pastors. Early on, he handled all student applications himself. Years later he wrote that he always rejected those who said (in essence): “I know I’m meant to be a pastor because nothing else I’ve tried has worked out”. Spurgeon believed that anyone suited to be a pastor would do very well in at least six other professions. He was right.

But being multi-talented can be a problem. With many things we could do, how do we decide which we should do? Usually the bad choice is to give attention to everything. That always results in doing nothing especially well and running ourselves into the ground trying to do better. Those are not good outcomes.

I’ve encouraged people not just to think about what they can do, but ask: ‘What can I do that most others can’t do?’ Often one thing in particular stands out. And there’s a strong possibility that thing will be the right area to which we direct our energies.

Balancing that, of course, is the importance of concentrating on things that really matter. Some people are proud they can drink more beer in a night than anyone else. Someone else is able to solve the Rubik’s cube in under ten seconds.[3] But that doesn’t mean beer-drinking or speedcubing should be anyone’s life purpose, or even a major investment of their leisure time.

Not everyone can have a career which directly does good for others. But everyone can do good for others, perhaps as a neighbour, a volunteer helper, a parent, a sports coach, or through support for any of the many organisations whose work is geared to tackling causes such as poverty, illiteracy, and injustice.

Focus on goals where you especially can make an impact, and ensure those are truly worthwhile causes.

You can use someone else’s performance to motivate yourself

During my earliest school years (from age 5), classes were run on old-fashioned lines. Literally in lines. With 42 in the class, we were all seated in straight rows, our teacher Miss McHardy standing at the front. She was experienced and liked, which was just as well because even then that was a large class size to manage. Miss McHardy kept us in order with a kind but firm hand, and by using a technique common at the time. All 42 of us were ranked according to our ability, and then seated accordingly. The top pupil was put in the far left corner, with number two next, then three, and so on along the back row, and the same done with nearer rows until those judged less able were seated at the front. It sounds dreadful, but that seating plan wasn’t only to maintain discipline but to ensure the teacher was near to those who most needed her help. So, where did she place me? It wasn’t at the back left! But I did well enough to be seated about the middle of the back row. I was okay about that because even at a young age, I knew others were brighter than me at school work. But I still had ambition. With hard work, I reckoned I could move further up the row. Sometimes I was placed higher, actually getting to second place. That lasted for all of two weeks, and then I was back to fourth, or maybe it was sixth.

Here’s my point. Yes, it’s near certain there will always be people who are better at us in many ways. But it’s possible we don’t need to settle for that. Maybe we could stop being lazy, and push ourselves to work harder, learn more, master new skills, and so on. Many of us can almost certainly do better than we’ve ever done before.

Finally, decades ago I gave up striving to be better than everyone else. Instead I worked hard to be the best that I can be

I’ve written before that I’d dread having a gravestone epitaph which reads, ‘He had potential’. I’d like it to say, ‘He fulfilled his potential’.

We are not all world-beaters, and we can exhaust and disappoint ourselves by forever trying to beat others. Instead, we can examine our own abilities fairly, recognise our under-developed skills, and, perhaps with help, bring our dormant talents to life. And thus achieve so much more than we once thought possible.

Others are better than you? So what? The real issue is what you’ll do to make yourself the best you can ever be.

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Envy

[2] Here is a link to a fascinating record of Grand Prix and F1 driver stats. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Formula_One_driver_records For example, do you know the name of the British driver who won a Grand Prix from 22nd place on the starting grid?

[3] Apparently the world record is 3.13 seconds. Bizarre.

Almost

My golf match wasn’t going well. Shots missed the green, and putts skimmed past the hole. Doing badly on the first four or five means you won’t win a tournament of just 18 holes. Conditions weren’t easy but neither were they difficult enough to prevent others turning in great scores. I wouldn’t be one of them. I kept trying, but it was hard to focus. What was the point? My last hole was better, but that couldn’t improve my overall total. I handed my card to the scorers knowing I’d be well down the field. I wasn’t. The winners were announced. I wasn’t one, but I was only one place, one shot, away from getting a prize. If I’d holed just one more putt, I could have won. ‘Why did I not concentrate more, and try to give every shot my very best?’ I asked myself. But I hadn’t, and had to accept the hard fact that I almost won.

Everyone has almost moments. They almost passed their driving test. They almost got a promotion. They almost proposed to the girl of their dreams. They almost ran the whole marathon distance. They almost caught the bus. They almost won the lottery. They almost completed the crossword. They almost got the grades for university admission. They almost bought the best mobile phone. You could say there’s almost no end to a list of almosts.

I’ve been reflecting on how common and how significant almost moments are in our lives. Some of those moments (even a golf match) are not really a big deal, but others have a deep and long-lasting effect on our lives. Here are some of my reflections around the word almost.

Almost can torture us

I heard a talk recently from an athlete who’d placed fourth in the Olympics. For years she’d prepared for those Olympics. She’d trained hard every day, sacrificed greatly, given her best, and she almost got a medal. But she never made it to the podium, nor are laurels hung round the neck of the person coming fourth. The pain of being so near and yet so far from recognised success hurt that athlete deeply.

Almost achieving does that to us. A friend almost finished his PhD, and for the rest of his professional life regretted his failure to complete. When my brother and I were very young our parents nearly signed up for a special deal for us all to emigrate to Australia or New Zealand. They almost signed up, but doubts brought the process to a halt. Though we had a good life in the UK, the ‘what if?’ questions never completely disappeared.

I see two lessons to counter those kinds of regret.

One is that plainly not everyone can come first (or second or third). Being near to success, but not winning, is everyone’s experience in some sphere. And not being first does not mean we’re failures. To come fourth in the Olympics proves you’re better than the vast majority of athletes, and you’re fitter and faster than 99.9% of the population. (More on not being first in a moment.)

The second lesson is that we mustn’t live life constantly looking over our shoulder to the past. Whatever we once did was based on the facts and feelings we had then. Now we must move on. Hindsight is cruel, tempting us to believe some other path would have been better. But we don’t know that. The only thing certain is the path actually followed through our lives. It’s important we make the best of that.

Life will always have almost moments

All we need is logic and modesty to realise we’ll never be first in everything on every occasion. Jack Nicklaus was a brilliant golfer from his youth onwards. Over his career he won 18 major championships, three more than Tiger Woods. Almost more remarkably, he was runner-up in 19 major championships, in five of which he lost only by one stroke or in a playoff (which takes place after a tied tournament). Nicklaus almost won twice as many majors than his enduring record total. How did he cope with so many disappointments? The answer is that he’d learned early on, before he turned professional, that he’d lose far more golf matches than he’d win. He was ready for those almost wins.

I’ve known people controlled by a deep need to come first. Some become bullies. Some become cheats. Most end up disappointed, frustrated, and sad that they haven’t fulfilled their potential. But very likely they did fulfil their potential; it’s just that ‘potential’ cannot be equated with being perfect, or better than everyone else.

No-one succeeds in everything. Many times we’ll do well, but just short of our very best or someone else’s very best. Life is filled with almost moments, and we must come to terms with that.

Nevertheless we should not easily settle for almost

After an almost moment, there’s no harm in asking ‘Why did I come up short?’ Perhaps you went for a job interview but you weren’t selected. It was an almost moment, and you’re disappointed and perhaps angry. Now you have three main options:

  1. Blame the interviewers for being mean or stupid. You know you were their perfect candidate, and they blew it. They asked the wrong questions. They misinterpreted your answers. They didn’t give you a chance to shine. They reached the wrong conclusion. Blame-casting like that is always a temptation because surely what happened couldn’t have been your fault. Think like that and you learn nothing. It’s utterly unproductive.
  2. Of course doing the opposite with blame – blaming yourself – isn’t productive either. We think: ‘I was too nervous; I stumbled over my words; I didn’t really answer their questions; I never put over my best qualities.’ Constructive self-criticism, recognising shortcomings or learning points is fine, but getting down on yourself generates negativity and pessimism which does nothing to improve performance next time.
  3. Recognise the almost moment as a near-success. You got an interview! That’s something many others did not get. You were close to being appointed. Okay, so what professional skill do you need to improve? Or what could someone teach you about interview performance? Or how might you prepare yourself better for next time? An almost experience is evidence of needing just one more step to reach the top of the stair.  

There’s much to be said for an almost moment providing we don’t see it as a disaster. Almost does not mean the world is against us, or that we’ve failed. Rather almost can be just birth pains before we emerge into an amazing new future.

Sometimes almost is actually good enough.

Perfect isn’t always necessary, and we can waste time and energy striving for it.

I was preparing a report for church members, and decided it would help to present it in a more attractive layout. Using my Apple IIe computer and Epson dot matrix printer[1] I set out text in column width. Step two was to cut out headlines from newspapers that seemed to fit each part of my report (‘Bold new start’, ‘Exciting possibilities’, ‘Better future’ and so on). I pasted the text and then the headlines on sheets of paper, making it look like a news report. Then I had all the pages photocopied. Though dot matrix printing could never look elegant, at least my report was better than plain text. Except it wasn’t really. I had taken about a day and a half to create that layout, and the church members just shrugged. They were only interested in what the report said. A neatly presented traditional report would have been almost as good, and certainly just as acceptable to the readership. And the almost as good would have saved me a mountain of work.

Perfection is not the only acceptable goal. Sometimes good enough is good enough.

Almost can mean we’re near to achieving our goals

Sticking to a healthy diet is an obvious requirement for maintaining the right weight. Those trying to lose weight will often adopt a severely restricted diet to shed weight quickly. The problem is that crash diets can leave people feeling hungry, and hunger tempts them to cheat on the diet. And once they’ve slipped, many give up, saying “I can’t do this”.

I’ve done the equivalent when resolving to tidy everything in my home office. For several days I put everything away neatly. Then comes a super busy day, and perhaps another two after that. I didn’t tidy up and now I think I’ll never keep up so I give up, and settle for muddling along.

But the reality is that what we can almost achieve is evidence that we’re not far off from what we want to achieve. We shouldn’t be discouraged. We may have to change our approach, but we can get there. Yes, we slip up, but coming close shows those goals are possible for us. The exasperated phrase “I can never do this” isn’t true. We can. The best things in life require perseverance, and our almost achievements are evidence that we’re not far away from those best things.

Almost can be a good miss

Most of us will remember times when we almost made a bad mistake, but we didn’t. I almost added on two years of university study in my twenties because I’d become fascinated by philosophy, and was sorely tempted to catch up on philosophy courses I’d missed. Thankfully a friend counselled me to stick to my core studies and not lose time. He was right. If I’d deviated, I would have given myself big problems, some financial, some relational, some affecting my career.

Other people have stories about almost investing in a scheme which turned out to be a scam. Or almost reaching a road junction where a driver coming from a side road failed to stop; being at the junction just one or two seconds earlier would have meant a collision. Or almost buying something they found much cheaper later in the day. Or almost marrying someone, realising later what a mistake that would have been.

There are countless times a decision almost made would have been the wrong decision. We should be very thankful for what we almost did, but in fact didn’t.

Almost too late moments are, happily, just in time moments

On the spur of the moment, I put a question to my 79-year-old Dad: “Is there anywhere you’ve always wanted to go?” His immediate answer was “I’ve always wanted to see the Canadian Rockies”. “Then let’s do it” I said. Three months later we were on a plane to Canada.

My Dad’s only previous experience of air travel was the one hour flight from Edinburgh to London. Now we had begun our long journey over the Atlantic. We were half an hour into the flight when he asked, “Are we nearly there yet?” I had to explain that there were several hours to go. But – in mid-Atlantic – we had a happy interruption. One of the cabin crew leaned forward and whispered, “Would you two gentlemen like to visit the Captain on the flight deck?”[2] Of course we said yes, and a minute later we were standing right behind the pilot and co-pilot. We stared out through the cockpit to the clouds, and felt almost overwhelmed by the array of dials and controls before us. I was thrilled, and my Dad doubly so because he had been in the Royal Signals regiment during World War II so understood the fundamentals of radio traffic. He enjoyed a conversation with both pilots about how messages were transmitted, and about how navigation worked.

We arrived safely in Toronto, and our few days there included a visit to the nearby Niagara Falls. Then we were back in a plane, this time flying right across Canada to Vancouver. There we rented a car and I drove Dad on a lengthy but thrilling trip through the Rocky Mountains. We were dazzled by high snow-covered mountains, amazed to stand on a glacier, impressed by the dark waters of deep lakes, and watchful for bears crossing our path. Dad returned home excited and full of stories to tell his pals. Three months later I got the phone call no-one wants. Dad had been found dead. He hadn’t turned up for his regular golf game, so his friends, with police help, broke into Dad’s house and found him on the floor. He’d suffered a massive heart attack. It was so sad to lose him. But I had one very special comfort. The trip to the Rockies was almost too late, but in fact we’d done it just in time.

It’s often true that almost too late is not too late. To tell someone you love them. To mend a relationship. To live an experience. To achieve a goal. To accomplish a long-cherished goal. While you still can, don’t settle for almost but go ahead and achieve what you’ve always wanted.

[1] For younger readers, here’s how dot matrix printers work: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dot_matrix_printing),

[2] An invitation that would never be offered to anyone now.