I heard this recently. An ostrich rolls one of its eggs into the hen house. She tells the hens, “Take a good look. Compare my egg with your eggs, and realise this is what your competitors are doing”. I guess the hens weren’t excited. All of us can feel like that when others are doing better than we are.

I had so much to feel good about as a church minister. The churches I pastored grew, not just numerically but in their commitment to the faith. But – here’s my confession – I was so thrilled with our church, I struggled to be pleased if nearby churches grew faster. Usually I told myself ‘We’re all on the same side’, and ‘It’s great God’s work is prospering anywhere’. But too often I didn’t feel thrilled about the success of others.

Most of us feel that sometimes. Their house is immaculate compared to mine. Their car is shinier, faster, more luxurious than mine. They are ahead of me in moving up the career ladder. They are a better writer than I am. Their singing is enchanting while mine is doleful. Their children are reading more advanced books than mine. Their dogs are more obedient than my wanderers. And so on. It’s often true that others are doing better than we are, and, if we’re honest, we’re not glad about that.

That’s a common reaction, but not an inevitable one. In fact we can turn it to our advantage.  Here’s how.

Recognise envy for the unhelpful emotion it is

The dictionary definition of ‘envy’ reads: a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck. Wikipedia quotes an ancient and a more modern view about envy: Aristotle defined envy as pain at the sight of another’s good fortune, stirred by “those who have what we ought to have”. Bertrand Russell said that envy was one of the most potent causes of unhappiness.[1]

None of these comments state anything good or satisfying about envy. The truth is that envy makes us miserable.

Why is that true?

First, if you have to be the best of the best, and you’re not, then you can’t be content. You will always be disappointed that you don’t have more or that you are not doing better. Being the best, having the most, is a cruel goal, because you will never satisfy that longing. No matter how well you’ve done, if anyone has exceeded that, you cannot be at peace. You’re restless, never satisfied with what you have achieved. That is a miserable way to live.

Second, you start looking at friends in one of two ways. Either you see them as inferior to you, because you’re doing better than they are. Or you resent the ways in which their achievements are superior to yours. At some point those attitudes turn your friends into enemies. That ruins friendships. Always wanting to be the best results in a lonely existence.

Third, our attitude, perhaps our ego, is fundamentally flawed when we think the purpose of our lives is to be the best or have the best. When we think like that, we’re guilty of extreme arrogance. We demean others, and our ambitions overstretch our minds, our bodies, our finances and our relationships. With no likelihood we’ll be the best of the best, it’s also an approach to life which is doomed to disappointment. A false goal never brings happiness.

Recognise there will always be someone better than you

Some people so appreciate any pleasant or positive remark that it elevates how they view themselves. Jill loves it when someone says, “Wow, that painting is amazing. It’s world-class.” Bill has a warm glow when he’s told, “Your report on the meeting was the best I’ve ever read.” Such words may be sincere, or maybe just flattery. Whichever they are, Jill and Bill take the compliments as if literally true. They’re truly the best. How they see themselves changes, and they’re always on the lookout for further evidence to reinforce their own superiority.

That’s a fool’s errand. It’s near certain neither Jill or Bill are actually better than everyone else. One day they’ll find their work or their skill beaten comprehensively by an even better artist or report writer. And they’ll feel crushed.

But what about those who have truly become number one in the world, perhaps in sport? Didn’t Tiger Woods top the world golf rankings for 281 consecutive weeks and 683 weeks in total? Yes, he did. But he’s not number one now. Michael Schumacher seemed to set an unbeatable total of Formula 1 wins until Lewis Hamilton won more, and possibly Hamilton will be beaten some day by Max Verstappen.[2] What’s true in sport is true throughout life, that very few really are the best, and even those who earn that accolade don’t keep it forever.

It’s wise to be humble. Be grateful when you’re good at something, but recognise others are very good too, perhaps better, and be at peace about that.

Even when others are better than you at something, they’re not better than you at everything

Our friend Sally was cheerful, positive and gifted. Only one thing got her down – her home was never tidy. There were dishes not yet washed, magazines and books not yet put away, clothes not yet ironed or folded, and toys not yet cleared from when the children played with them two days ago. Sally knew how her home looked to others, and she felt bad about that. But why was it like that? Only because Sally always prioritised her children, her neighbours, and her friends. “What matters most to me is having time for my kids while they’re young,” she’d say. And she dedicated herself to stimulating her children’s imaginations with reading and games, encouraging them with their schoolwork, involving them in sport and other activities. She was a brilliant mum, a brilliant friend, and a brilliant help to anyone in time of need.

So, Sally didn’t manage to present her home as if ready to be photographed for a ‘Beautiful Homes’ magazine. And she felt a bit of a failure when she visited houses where everything was exactly in its place. But Sally excelled at caring for family and neighbours. Maybe she’d never win awards for keeping everything neat, but she deserved to be in first place as a mum and friend. And that mattered far more.

Don’t notice only the areas where others are better than you; recognise where you’re so much better than them.

Maximise being the best at things at which you’re specially gifted and which matter most

I know that heading sounds, in part, like a repeat of the one just before, but my emphasis now is about being better in areas where your passion and your skills lie.

The famous preacher in London of the late Victorian era, C.H. Spurgeon, founded a college to train future pastors. Early on, he handled all student applications himself. Years later he wrote that he always rejected those who said (in essence): “I know I’m meant to be a pastor because nothing else I’ve tried has worked out”. Spurgeon believed that anyone suited to be a pastor would do very well in at least six other professions. He was right.

But being multi-talented can be a problem. With many things we could do, how do we decide which we should do? Usually the bad choice is to give attention to everything. That always results in doing nothing especially well and running ourselves into the ground trying to do better. Those are not good outcomes.

I’ve encouraged people not just to think about what they can do, but ask: ‘What can I do that most others can’t do?’ Often one thing in particular stands out. And there’s a strong possibility that thing will be the right area to which we direct our energies.

Balancing that, of course, is the importance of concentrating on things that really matter. Some people are proud they can drink more beer in a night than anyone else. Someone else is able to solve the Rubik’s cube in under ten seconds.[3] But that doesn’t mean beer-drinking or speedcubing should be anyone’s life purpose, or even a major investment of their leisure time.

Not everyone can have a career which directly does good for others. But everyone can do good for others, perhaps as a neighbour, a volunteer helper, a parent, a sports coach, or through support for any of the many organisations whose work is geared to tackling causes such as poverty, illiteracy, and injustice.

Focus on goals where you especially can make an impact, and ensure those are truly worthwhile causes.

You can use someone else’s performance to motivate yourself

During my earliest school years (from age 5), classes were run on old-fashioned lines. Literally in lines. With 42 in the class, we were all seated in straight rows, our teacher Miss McHardy standing at the front. She was experienced and liked, which was just as well because even then that was a large class size to manage. Miss McHardy kept us in order with a kind but firm hand, and by using a technique common at the time. All 42 of us were ranked according to our ability, and then seated accordingly. The top pupil was put in the far left corner, with number two next, then three, and so on along the back row, and the same done with nearer rows until those judged less able were seated at the front. It sounds dreadful, but that seating plan wasn’t only to maintain discipline but to ensure the teacher was near to those who most needed her help. So, where did she place me? It wasn’t at the back left! But I did well enough to be seated about the middle of the back row. I was okay about that because even at a young age, I knew others were brighter than me at school work. But I still had ambition. With hard work, I reckoned I could move further up the row. Sometimes I was placed higher, actually getting to second place. That lasted for all of two weeks, and then I was back to fourth, or maybe it was sixth.

Here’s my point. Yes, it’s near certain there will always be people who are better at us in many ways. But it’s possible we don’t need to settle for that. Maybe we could stop being lazy, and push ourselves to work harder, learn more, master new skills, and so on. Many of us can almost certainly do better than we’ve ever done before.

Finally, decades ago I gave up striving to be better than everyone else. Instead I worked hard to be the best that I can be

I’ve written before that I’d dread having a gravestone epitaph which reads, ‘He had potential’. I’d like it to say, ‘He fulfilled his potential’.

We are not all world-beaters, and we can exhaust and disappoint ourselves by forever trying to beat others. Instead, we can examine our own abilities fairly, recognise our under-developed skills, and, perhaps with help, bring our dormant talents to life. And thus achieve so much more than we once thought possible.

Others are better than you? So what? The real issue is what you’ll do to make yourself the best you can ever be.

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[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Envy

[2] Here is a link to a fascinating record of Grand Prix and F1 driver stats. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Formula_One_driver_records For example, do you know the name of the British driver who won a Grand Prix from 22^nd place on the starting grid?

[3] Apparently the world record is 3.13 seconds. Bizarre.